Well, I took to Facebook to see who might be interested if I took the time to recap the bachelorette with my sarcastic thoughts. More people said they were interested than not so I suppose I’ll take a crack at it this season.
Now listen: if you don’t like the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows and don’t watch them, feel free to just not read these here recaps, ok?
We start off the episode by taking about a half hour to show ‘Rachel’s Journey’ on the last season of the Bachelor when she was looking for love. She got her heart broken. We watched the token crying in the rejection limo scene. It’s imperative that we re-watch this before she can start her journey to find true love. One thing that they have made ever so clear is that this is a journey, and it is an amazing one. Buckle up.
Rachel has champagne with girls from last season. They share their best tips and advice for her journey. My advice is to add orange juice with the champagne.
Harrison gives his pep talk as Rachel stands in a gorgeous sparkling white gown waiting for the limos to arrive.
We see a few special montages and introductions of some of the guys in their hometowns. Some are seen with their kiddos, families, or at their place of work. One guy took the time to read the resume of his genitalia.
Business owner (I’m guessing Lularoe)
My thoughts: Blue plaid suit. From Wisconsin. Seems halfway normal. In the one on one time later he says he brings chocolate because he knows that ‘everyone likes chocolate’. She says she doesn’t like chocolate. He offers immediately to go throw it in the fire.
My thoughts: Had a really cute intro montage. He also made a joke about her having no ‘reasonable doubt’ about them being meant to be together after their journey. I love a good lawyer joke. However as the night went on his confidence turned to crazy egotistical and unrealistic. Tone it down a bit, Jo.
Best quote when talking to the camera crew about Whaboom guy: “Do y’all drug test?”
My thoughts: Columbian. First kiss of the season. I was surprised she didn’t ask for a towel to wipe off her mouth afterwards. It was apparently so good for her though that she gave him the first impression rose. I guess it was better than it looked.
Rose? First Impression Rose
My thoughts: Did a cute dance with her when he first met her and danced his way into the mansion. Has a ten year old daughter. Seems like a big teddy bear more than a ‘professional wrestler’.
My thoughts: he gave her a bachelorette first round draft pick trading card.
Consulting Firm CEO
My thoughts: Seemed mostly angry and really intense for most of the night. It’s a long night though and maybe they didn’t put out adequate snacks.
My Thoughts: He literally ‘swept her off her feet’ at first meeting. Overall, he looked a bit tired and hungry to me; he is a firefighter after all (it’s your fault for reading a recap written by a cop’s wife). Plus he wore his uniform. I’m betting he’s got less then 3 years as a firefighter.
My Thoughts: He did an Urkel impression when he first got out of the limo. I’m not sure that was necessary, but she laughed. Me-thinks there was some pre-gaming on her part.
Senior Inventory Analyst
My thoughts: Got the nickname Diggy from his friends because he is into fashion and nice clothes and shoes. That’s right; we have an Iggy and a Diggy in the house.
My Thoughts: He wanted to show her his ‘buns’, which turned out to be a basket of cheese and rolls. Always bring food. Can’t go wrong with that.
US Marine Veteran
My Thoughts: Talked about his grandparents celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary.
My Thoughts: Showed up with a sledge hammer and smashed a giant ice block to ‘break the ice’. She said she appreciates a corny joke (thank God). My favorite part was when he walked in with the giant hammer and all the drunk guys already indulging in the open bar yelled, “Thor is here!”
Startup Recruiter (I am not aware of this occupation)
My Thoughts: He met her already at the AFR. This time he didn’t say anything about going black and never going back. Good job Dean. Way to keep it together. He also brought the stuff to build a sandcastle later on, just the two of them. She asks how to built a sandcastle and then says she could ‘literally play in the sand all day’.
Personal trainer (aren’t we all?)
My Thoughts: He danced with her getting out of the limo. He also previously met her at AFR.
My Thoughts: Previously met her at AFR. He seems genuine. He was excited that she remembered him. It had only been a few days before, but I guess he thought she would have forgotten already.
My Thoughts: He marked in with a marching band to make more of an impression because he also met her at AFR, but was nervous and awkward. The answer to nervous and awkward? A marching band. Nothing made me feel more confident in my high school years than when I was in my super sexy marching band uniform. He was in a traditional suit though instead of a marching band uniform. Good call, Blake E.
He was also the guy who spoke only of his genitals for his entire introduction package. See what I did there?
My Thoughts: Fred brought his third grade yearbook to show Rachel that she was in eighth grade at the time. She is less than impressed. She also mentions later that she was his camp counselor and he was a very bad kid.
Tickle Monster (I prefer the cookie monster)
My Thoughts: He has her close her eyes and put out her hands. He then tickles her. Tickle monster would have a black eye for the rose ceremony if this was my show.
My Thoughts: This is this season’s guitar guy. He sings a little song when he walks up to her. She smiles a lot so she obviously likes guitar guy.
Information Systems Supervisor
My Thoughts: he comes out of the limo with a vacuum. You might think that is the end of the vacuum skit, but you would be wrong. This continues all night.
Hotel Recreation Supervisor (so, does that mean he cleans the pool?)
My Thoughts: He takes a selfie with her first thing out of the limo.
Rose? No, he cries because he has a bunch of outfits he was going to wear. I’m not making this up.
Real Estate Agent
My Thoughts: He chooses to bring with him a terrifying ‘Adam Jr’ doll. He probably hit up a prop auction the night before in L.A. and got this from a horror movie set. Terrifying and unnecessary. The doll is posed in creepy positions in different rooms all night long. My favorite was when he was laying by the fire.
I would say again how creepy this is but once upon a time at a party we won a 2-foot tall nutcracker and he posed with everyone in the bar before the night was over. P.S. if you’re at my house during Christmas time and you see Frank upon the village ladder, never touch him.
Rose? Yes, but she plainly said “Just Adam” as Adam picked up the doll to take up to the get the rose.
Construction Sales Rep
My Thoughts: He gets out of the limo in a giant penguin costume, because penguins mate for life.
Emergency Medical Physician
My Thoughts: He shows up in an ambulance with lights and sirens. I hope this isn’t paid for with tax dollars, but moving on. He gets out to rescue her from dying of boredom. Ok, then.
Education Software Manager
My Thoughts: He is just normal and genuine so obviously he won’t go far.
Sales Associate Executive
My Thoughts: I don’t recall him. I’m sure I would have remembered that name being spelled like that if I had ever seen it on TV during the episode.
My Thoughts: Seems nice. He is from the same town as her though and is also an attorney and just happens to be the same age as her. Could this be an issue?
My Thoughts: He seems a bit, off. I don’t know, but I’m not sure she’s digging the vibe.
My Thoughts: He starts by saying when Jacob met Rachel, he wept. She is impressed that he can recite two people from the bible.
Former Pro Basketball Player
My Thoughts: He gets out of the limo with a brownie and says something about the blacker the brownie the sweeter it is, or something like that. Either way, he brought dessert so props for that. He does have a limp so his story about basketball is believable.
My Thoughts: Just as the guys are inside asking who the crazy guy will be this season, Lucas pulls up… with a megaphone and a Whaboom shirt. Whaboom is an ‘essence’ and a ‘lifestyle’. Whaboom means screaming and shaking your face. Rookie Mistake: She should have confiscated the megaphone.
As he walks into the house and does his patented screaming and face shaking routine, they immediately realize that he is the crazy one.
Rose? Yes, but it was last so that everyone could do a scene talking to the camera about how they will be crushed if they go home, but Whaboom stays. Clearly he is a producer pick.
In general all the guys talk about how dumb Nick is for not picking her in his season, which I find amusing. She comes in to make a toast and they all raise their empty glasses and drunkenly cheer. They toast to “No Regrets”.
Well, according to the previews for the following weeks, we are in for the most dramatic season yet!
How many more times will we have to see Whaboom do his Whaboom thing? Who will get hurt first in a physical competition? Who is going to be the resident villain?
Feel free to weigh in, but no spoilers please!