Junk Closet Turned Disability-Friendly Dream Pantry

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Bobby Pins & Bullets / Funny Farm Stuff / Uncategorized

Only good things come from watching Fixer Upper with your husband.  We were sitting watching an episode together and I mentioned that one thing this house doesn’t have is a pantry, which I’ve always wanted.  Tom said that he could probably turn our entry-way junk closet into a pantry.  It was so fun because I got to help with designing each aspect then he brought it to life.  Not only that, but I was able to make it as disability-friendly as I could.  Here’s a progression of pictures.

BEFORE: closet that held a few coats and a lot of random stuff.

before

The very rough-drawn plans:

plans

I got to decide exactly how tall the shelves were and make sure that anything I wanted to include could fit.  I wanted a rolling cart from Ikea to use as my baking cart.  That way I could roll it into the kitchen with all of my stuff.  I used to have to bend down or squat down to get all of my baking stuff out of the cupboard.  For those who don’t know, bending and squatting are two of the worst symptom makers for POTS.

We picked grey and white barn wood shiplap to use for trim and shelves.  He also used a dark wood that we already had on hand for flooring.

trim

flooring

I picked out angle iron and matching square rods to use between shelves.  I LOVE the look of it all welded together.  It totally has the look of an old fire escape.  Perfectly imperfect.

Inside he used a faux brick paneling on all the walls, which sort of gives it an old mercantile look.

brick walls

Next, we decided on the placement of the counter-height shelf.  I wanted it to be high enough that I could fit my rolling cart underneath.  I also wanted to be able to store flour and sugar here in large restaurant bins.  Again, I previously had to squat down and pick up the heavy bag of flour.  That was a trigger for POTS symptoms big time.  I didn’t want to just have a canister on the counter because I can go through times of baking a lot and I didn’t want to constantly ask Tom to refill my canister.  Plus, more counter space would be taken up as well.  This was my solution- two large bins that hold 100 cups each of flour and sugar.  We also go through a LOT of sugar if we are feeding the bees and making candy boards for them for the Winter, etc.

This shelf is the perfect height to not require bending or reaching up high- which is also a trigger for symptoms.

shelf 1

I wanted to have one side be perfect for cans of soup so I didn’t have to waste space of tall shelves with cans.

upper shelves

lower shelves

Next up, the door.  We designed this together and I love the addition of rusty corrugated tin.  Such a neat dimension added.

door

For the handle, Tom took an old horseshoe from his family ranch and took it up to his forge and designed this.  I LOVE it!

handle

Here’s the finished product.  There’s my fancy flour and sugar bins, too.

door open

Of course he took the time to add motion sensor lights too.

lit up

I also added that cute little white folding step stool.  It was ugly and rusty when I bought it for $5 at a garage sale, but I spray painted it a clean white.  Now I can easily reach things that are higher up without reaching my arms over my head and straining.

As a final touch, Tom added this little corrugated tin ceiling inside.  I’ll probably be the only one to see it, but that just makes it all the more special.

ceiling

This was definitely my favorite birthday present in several years!

I’m pretty thankful for that crafty husband of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quick and Cheap Dollar Store DIY

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Chronic-Girl Crafts / Funny Farm Stuff / Hold My Gatorade and Watch This / Uncategorized

I love a good dollar store project.  Recently I decided to re-do the décor above my kitchen cupboards.  I was going for a farmhouse-y sort of vibe/style but I didn’t want to spend a fortune.  I saw some ideas that used cake plates as a fun way of adding levels and dimension for decorations above cupboards.  Again, I didn’t wanna pay 15-20 for each cake plate so I went to THE PINTEREST for dollar store hacks.

Here is what you need for this project:

  • cake pans
  • candlesticks and candle holders of varying heights
  • strong glue (I used E6000)
  • Spray paint

That’s it.  Each one ends up being $2 plus the price of your glue and spray paint that you probably already have on hand.  If not, it’s a pretty safe crafting purchase that will get used eventually.

I chose 3 round pans and one rectangle.  I ended up doing the round ones at three different heights.

cake stand 1

Now, just measure and put your candlestick holders in the middle of each pan and glue them.  Set them with heavy things and let the glue sit for 24 hours.  You can use ammo cans like I did or whatever heavy things normal people have in their house.

cake stand 2

After the glue has set just spray paint them whatever color makes you happy.  I chose a plain old cheap can of white spray paint.  Two coats should cover it up pretty well.

Finally, use your new cake stands to decorate!

cake stand 4

cake stand 5

cake stand 6

It’s that simple, folks.  Enjoy!

 

September got drunk and I didn’t

Funny Farm Stuff / Uncategorized

That’s right.  September got drunk.  We got 6 inches of snow.  HALF A FOOT OF SNOW IN SEPTEMBER.  Tom had to plow snow.  I had to talk the goats off a ledge.  The chickens promptly went on strike.  It was the first time that snow stuck in this area in September since 1926.

I love snow, but shoot I still had some red cherry tomatoes to harvest!  We (well, Tom) had been doing really well preparing for Winter but this was a great little motivator for those last few things!

snowy claire

disgruntled tilly

snowy claire 2

carter farm hand

My favorite little helper!

september garden

I do believe my garden may have frosted a bit.

snow windchime

cold flag

That’s a chilly looking flag right there.

So, there’s the photo proof for y’all.  It was insane.

In other news, I did not drink in September.  I had a rough time in the beginning of August and for a brief moment viewed alcohol in more of a medicinal light than I ever had before.  It was really just a perfect storm of combining high stress, irrational emotions taking charge, no food all day, and vodka for dinner.  Anyway, I quickly realized that was unhealthy and since alcoholism runs on both sides of my family I promptly took two months off from alcohol just to make sure my mindset was correct when drinking.  So anyway, September got drunk and I didn’t.  There you have it.  Enjoy your little dose of transparency and honesty.

 

 

 

The Continuous Struggle

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Deep Thoughts About POTS / Funny Farm Stuff / Uncategorized

Look.  Everyone struggles, chronic illness or not.  I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been riding the struggle bus in one way or another it seems like this whole summer.  We’ve had a ton of crazy fun together as a family and lots of highlights.  My garden is doing well.  Carter showed rabbits, chickens, and his turkey at the fair and we drove over to be able to watch him.  This was my first 4H activity IN MY LIFE.  It is very different than my childhood, which was hockey and dance.  I think out of all the cute photos of Carter showing animals and getting ribbons and such, this is my favorite.  It’s such a cute candid father-son moment discussing strategy and such.

tom and carter huddle

In other news, two chickens went to chicken heaven and I got three new ones to add to the flock.  I now have Marilyn Monroe, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ginger Rogers, Gina Lollobrigida, Sophia Loren, and Ava Gardner.  Mr. Jamie is fitting in well around our little place.  He adores Claire.  He got super sick right after he arrived and tried to die on us which was terrifying, but he is much, much better now.  He’s happy and healthy!  We love him.

claire and jamie

carter and jamie

jamie kisses

jamie kisses 2

We got to harvest over thirty pounds of honey this year from our hives AND Tom and I got to catch a swarm together which was super cool, and a little terrifying.  They are super happy in a hive now and incredibly busy.  We have a total of three hives now.

honey harvest

swarm

We watched a cool lightning storm together as a family out on the deck.

lightning

Overall we had a great summer together as a family.  But as for me, I have struggled with motivation and health.  It’s hard to balance feeling like I’m doing something at all or accomplishing anything with what my health and body actually allow.  When one event leads to several recovery days it can become daunting easily. I’ve stepped back from advocating a bit because I feel like I’m lying when I’m telling people what to do and I’m maybe not following my advice.  Focus is huge.  I do the best when my headspace is in the right place and my focus is healthy.

Counselors always ask about goals and ‘what are you looking forward to?’  Tom has done an incredible job with our property and our traditions to always have something for me to look forward to in the future.  I always have something but as far as personal goals it’s so tricky to do a tiny bit on a project at a time.  I have tried to occupy my time with realistic goals.  I always have a piece of furniture in the garage that is ready to be redone, but the days that I am up to it are few and far between.  I have cross stitching and quilting that I always have going.  On days when I don’t have the energy for stairs or furniture makeovers I work on little idle projects.  For instance, today I am continuing to work on my recipe project.  Deep down I have this little fear that someday Pinterest will crash and I’ll never be able to cook anything again!  So, little by little I’ve been typing up and printing off all of my treasured recipes and gathering others from family to compile all together in one binder so that it’s all in one place.  Also, I’m drinking coffee and binging Fixer Upper because it is such a happy and relaxing show.  Plus then fun things happen in bed at night like Tom rolls over and I quick ask him if we should maybe put up faux beams in our living room.  I like to keep him on his toes!

So, in conclusion, I’m still alive.  I’m still striving towards realistic and healthy goals on a day to day basis while keeping my headspace and focus healthy.  I love my life.  I love all my people and my critters and I’m thankful for so much and realize how incredibly blessed I am.  Maybe I’ll blog again in less than four months.  Who knows? It’s a surprise!

Our Newest Baby on the Homestead… and Other Spring Things

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Funny Farm Stuff / Hold My Gatorade and Watch This / Smile Makers / Uncategorized

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram this isn’t news to you. But because I have followers on my blog, but not social media, I need to share here.

So long ago we planned to have two cows, well a cow and a steer for those of you who know the difference.  We put a deposit down early last year for a steer that was mini Scottish Highland from a ranch in Colorado.  We wanted it to be a particular coloring though and all year we watched the emails of babies being born who didn’t match up with what we were wanting.  Since we are basically paying for very expensive yard art, I figured we could be picky.  He’s not going to be used for breeding or meat.  His purpose was basically pet.  We put a deposit down for him long before Miss Claire came along last summer.

Just as we were starting to give up hope and pull our deposit with the ranch in Colorado, he sent an email that another ranch in Wyoming had a baby that might be what we are looking for.  He was absolutely perfect, minus the fact that he was in Wyoming and we are in Idaho.  Small bump in the road.  The owner made arrangements to have another lady who was a few hours closer to us hold him for a couple days for us to cut about four hours off of the drive.  The drive, however, was still about 10.5 hours there and 10.5 hours back.  Sadly, with POTS and my body I couldn’t be my husband’s copilot which seriously bummed me out, not to mention made me worry about him driving all that way alone.  His sister came to the rescue and offered to work all day, drive three hours to our house, hang out for a couple hours, then get on the road and drive 10.5 hours, get the baby, turn around and drive 10.5 hours back, then drive three hours back to her house to go to sleep for a minute before work the next day.  She’s crazy, but I’m super thankful that she offered up her time and gave up sleep to give Tom company.

They prepared and took a crate/kennel for him to ride in the back of the truck, but before they left I told Tom that the baby would probably be more comfortable and less scared in the back seat of the truck.  Tom said that wouldn’t happen.  Apparently when they picked him up though it was blizzarding and super windy and cold and he was so small that Tom told the lady I’d have his hiney if he put the baby in the bed of the truck.

Here he is.  James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, or Jamie for short.  In this picture he’s getting his chin scratched by Aunt J while riding in style.  Later he decided riding in either her lap or Tom’s lap was a good choice, but was sadly told no.  He didn’t care for that.

jamie in truck

jamie in truck 2

He’s a bottle baby so he’s teeny tiny and I’ve been spending a bunch of time with him.

jamie eating

His little tail just goes so fast while he’s eating, it’s almost like a happy dance.  Clearly, he’ll fit in just fine with us.

He’s been getting used to Claire under supervision a little at a time.  They’ve made good progress.  She’s let him rub up on her neck a lot and the other day she licked his head and neck for a good four or five minutes and my heart melted.  I can tell that in time they will be good friends, even though her original response was much like Sarge’s when we brought home Hero, “what is that and why do we have it? Take it back.”

claire meeting jamie

He mostly likes to do whatever Claire is doing.

jamie eating with claire

Every day after his lunch bottle we work on some halter training.  I generally take him on a little walk around the property a bit.  Here he is by my garden the other day.  He’s just so dang cute.

jamie garden

He’s getting along just fine and working on putting on some weight and getting stronger every day.

Other Spring Stuff

The wildflowers were gorgeous this year.  Last year we had 20 soldier spears in one area and after introducing our bees last year we had around 200 there.  That was a fun surprise!

My daffodils and tulips are just starting to pop up on the hillside and I love looking at them every day to see which new ones opened up.  Here’s Jamie stopping to smell the flowers on our walk the other day.

jamie smelling flower

Plus, look at this gorgeous daffodil!

daffodil

I started vegetable plants this year inside from seed and I’m excited to see their progress and looking forward to planting next month.  Tom and Carter fenced in my garden for me too.

veggie starts

The goats and chickens are doing well.  My chickens are laying eggs like crazy.  Our bees overwintered and the queens are starting to lay.  Looking forward to getting to harvest honey this year.

amy bee veil

I’m pretty much in love with these two pictures.  Me, in my current life with hair up and holding a calf bottle looking out at my little piece of the world, and my strong men.  I love that they are such hard workers and willing to help make our property the best it can be!

amy silhouette

tom and carter

Now y’all are up to date with what’s new at our house.  POTS is still here and going strong, but I’m still looking at all these happy things and finding joy.  There is so much to smile about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spring Break Brings a Reminder about Perspective

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Bobby Pins & Bullets / Deep Thoughts About POTS / Hold My Gatorade and Watch This / Oxygen-y Stuff / Uncategorized

Last week was the kiddo’s Spring Break.  If you remember, last year on Spring Break we built the chicken barn.  This year, we took an airplane to visit my brother and his wife in the Denver area.

Traveling with POTS isn’t easy.  It’s hard.  It’s heavy.  My purse has to include my emergency kit, ALL of my medications in original bottles, water, salt, entertainment (distraction), etc.  It’s annoying being pushed everywhere and not having independence to walk.  But… it’s worth it.  I could stay home in my comfort and miss out on all these fun memories, or I can suck it up and do my best prep, make the most of it, and be a part of the fun.  Do I have to pay for it afterwards? Yep, but it’s still worth it.  I don’t want Carter to grow up thinking that I am just making excuses to stay home in my (relative) comfort.  I want him to see me making adaptations to be a part of the group.

amy plane

travel necessities

My brother and sister-in-law rolled out the red carpet for us.  They were willing to accommodate us in every way possible.  The house was full of snacks and drinks and they were pumped up to party and play the whole time! We filled our few days there with as much fun as possible.

We each took turns hitting softballs at the field, which was mighty fun.  I hit a few but then I looked down and my heart rate was at 155 so I decided time to take a seat back in my wheelchair.  Ashley and Josh alternated between pitching for Carter and coaching his hitting.  It was fun to watch him improve in just a few minutes even.  Tom and Carter took turns out in the field catching pop flies and grounding the ball.  Everyone worked up a good sweat playing outside.

carter batting

tom batting

We went on a fun little family walk one day.  Afterwards, Carter tried Chick-Fil-A for the first time and gave it rave reviews.

uphill

My brother has a whole virtual reality set-up that was super fun for us to play with as a group.   Tom killed some zombies.  We worked as a team to disarm some bombs too which was a lot of yelling and fun.   Here’s Carter being a hockey goalie.

carter vr

We played board games and card games.  Ashley made a delicious breakfast two mornings for us.  We ate out.  We stayed in and had a taco bar.  Carter got to experience his first poker night with us.  He knocked out Ashley first, then me, and then Josh and Tom teamed up to knock out Carter.

Carter got to see his first NHL game too!  Colorado Avalanche vs Edmonton Oilers.  It was a great time.

ash and amy hockey

keys at hockey

One of the clear highlights of the trip though was ice skating.  Now, my brother grew up playing hockey and learned to skate at the same time he learned to walk.  It’s second nature to him.  He and his wife both have their own hockey skates.  I skated a few times as a kiddo obviously at those mandatory family skates and such.  I can skate a bit without falling down, but I certainly have no skills.  In fact as I was nearing a child who could clearly skate I loudly yelled to him, “I don’t stop or turn so watch out!”  Like I said, very little skill.

amy skating

josh and amy skating 2

guys at ice rink

It was Carter and Tom’s first time skating though which made for a lot of fun.  Josh and Ashley took turns coaching and it was highly entertaining.  I feel like Josh might have laughed more than the average skating coach.

coach josh

Now, when it comes to me, I got to take three whole laps around the ice on my feet.  But that was as far as my body would let me go.  I took any future laps in my wheelchair and using oxygen.  Was it the same? No.  But, it’s all about adapting and overcoming.  Everyone took a turn pushing me around the ice.

ash and amy skating

tom and amy skating

For a moment I wanted to have a little pity party.  It’s not fair, but it’s the life I’m living.  I realized in that short moment that I could either choose to be bummed that I only got to actually skate three laps or change my perspective and be thankful that I got to skate three laps at all.  Life is all about perspective.  Choose joy, folks.

 

Hey Dr. Phil: Stay in Your Lane, Bud

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Big Medical Words / Bobby Pins & Bullets / Deep Thoughts About POTS / Uncategorized

I’m pretty fired up, y’all.

I don’t actually know what the draw to Dr. Phil is.  I’ve never been a fan.  I realize people go to him for his sage advice the chance to be on TV, but do you ever wonder if people would actually go back to him if he were not on TV?  His opinions very rarely meet up with mine, but I really love when he just straight up makes stuff up.  Recently he said that “100 out of 100 times being the caregiver and the lover doesn’t work.  You can be his lover or his caregiver; you can’t be both.”

Whoa! Pretend statistics alert!

This is such horrible and not to mention completely made up advice.  He goes on to tell them that the girl can only do girlfriend activities with him,  but not caregiving.  What? How does that even work?  They are not two separate activities.  When I go on dates with my husband we have to plan for the worst and always be ready.  I guess we should be bringing along a caretaker when we go out to carry my oxygen and administer it should I need it.  Someone to help get me laying down to recover in a safe place after a faint.  Someone to get medications, water, electrolytes, etc.  This statement clearly proves that Dr. Phil has zero understanding about disabled needs and how one would be able to help.

I didn’t know I could just turn my condition on and off so I can switch between being wife and being disabled person.

When I married my husband I said I would be with him in sickness and in health and he said the same.  Neither of us knew in that moment that I would become disabled less than a year later.  Would that have changed things? No.  Absolutely not, because we actually meant what we said.  Not only that, but if I were perfectly healthy and Tom got injured or ill, it would be insanely weird to have someone else come into the house to help him do any task that I was physically capable of doing.  That’s my job.  It’s my honor to be able to help him and care for him.

Are there frustrations and feelings of guilt? Do I worry he will resent me at times? Of course, but we go to counseling. We work on our communication.  We talk through those trials.  We ADAPT AND OVERCOME.  We become stronger because of our challenges and hurdles.  Calm seas don’t make a skillful sailor.

Dr. Phil also tells the female that she is clearly not qualified and unable to handle this.  Sure, to a point maybe she can’t put in IV’s but she was talking about turning him in bed multiple times a day.  I can confidently say that Tom knows my body and my condition a hell of a lot more than any ‘random caretaker’ we would hire.  He can tell me when I’m going to faint sometimes before I can even feel it.  Why? Because he cares for me and ALSO loves me.  He doesn’t want me to be sick.  He does his best to memorize the steps leading up to that so he can help me to avoid this as much as possible.  He pays attention and way more attention than any doctor or nurse I’ve ever had.  On day three in the hospital he unhooked my heart monitor and carried me down three flights of stairs so I could go outside for ten minutes.  Then he carried me back up.  The next day he asked a nurse if I could go to the parking lot to see my dogs.  They said no because the heart monitor would freak out and send alerts at being out of range or disconnected.  He then told them he disconnected it for fifteen minutes the day before.  Don’t tell me I’m in better hands with a professional.

A while back there was a survey online on Chronic Illness on the Mighty’s Facebook page.  The question was ‘what is it like to be in love when you have a chronic illness?’  Tom answered with the following:

For clarification, I’m not the one with an illness.  My wife is.  She was diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) almost exactly a year to the day after our wedding and about 4 years after we were together. 

The question almost makes me mad.  “What is it like to be in love when you have a chronic illness?” Well, what is it like to be in love if you’re only 4 feet tall? What is it like to ve in love if you only have one leg? Or are deaf? Love with a chronic illness is better than without, not worse. 

Love is the same for everyone.  Love is PATIENT, love is KIND.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, rejoices with the truth, ALWAYS PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES.  LOVE NEVER FAILS. 

Read that part again. Do it, I’ll wait.  Patient, kind, not self-seeking.  Ok, we all got that part.  Now think about the rest.  It always protects.  It goes without saying, I’d take a bullet for her.  But my love protects her in other ways too.  By taking care of her emotionally, physically and making sure she has what she needs at home. 

Love trusts and hopes.  Not trusts that the other partner won’t cheat.  Love trusts in it’s strength. The trust between partners that they will always be there for each other to help them and that they have found someone to rely on.  It is a trust that goes beyond thoughts of infidelity or regular couple issues.  It is a trust that the Love is Real and will always be there.  Love hopes is not about wistful hoping either.  The love is the Hope.  It’s not about hoping that things will get better or that things will change, the love between you is the Hope you have.  

Most importantly, love perseveres.  It doesn’t quit when stuff goes out.  That’s not love.  That’s companionship.  Love is there for everything. 

I met my wife and knew her Pre-POTS.  I loved her then and love her even more now.  Is it easy? No.  We have our challenges just as any couple does.  We have to plan for everything.  Our days are based off how she feels.  We can no longer do our old hobbies together but we have found new ones.  And we get to spend so much time together unlike before when she worked. 

Is the house as clean as it used to be? No. Do we go on weekend trips every month? No.  Do we have sex 6 times a week? No. Is our life like a fairy tale… you fucking bet it is. 

It’s a fairy tale because that’s my princess.  Pre-POTS, with POTS, and forever. 

Suck on that, Dr. Phil.

Perhaps you didn’t know exactly what you were talking about, sir.  Perhaps you were just making stuff up without actually taking the time to do the research and ask the interabled couples out there how we do it, why we do it, and why we actively choose each other every day no matter the struggles or challenges.

Get back to your parenting advice or weight loss tips, please.

 

 

Here’s the clip if you want to watch it.

 

The Bachelor Colton: Finale Part 2

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Bachelor Recaps / Uncategorized

Colton is knocking on Cassie’s door.  She opens the door and is surprised to see him.  They hug and he asks her if they can go talk.

He tells her he sacrificed everything.  She stops and says, what? He proceeds to tell her that he ended things with both Tayshia and Hannah.  Cassie looks shocked or maybe like she wants to laugh.

She seems pretty well stunned.  It takes her a bit to form words.  She eventually says she didn’t want him to give up ‘for-sure’ for her maybe.  She says he deserves that and she doesn’t want him to resent her for that. He says a relationship is about sacrifice and taking a chance.  He tells her it doesn’t have to be a proposal in three days.  Just one day at a time.

He says he isn’t just telling her he loves her; he’s showing her.  She gets a big smile and hugs him.  He tells her he loves her and he wants her to meet his family.  If she’s down, they’re jumping on a plane to go meet his family in Spain.

Spain

He never imagined he would only have one woman for this week, but he knows what he wants.  It’s a magical place.

Connor meets up with his family to have a chat and catch them up.  He first tells them that he is no longer a virgin.  Everyone exchanges money between hands from their bets then he clarifies that he was just joking.

He tells them he had thirty women, then zero, and now one again.  He says he loves Cassie and his dad if Cassie loves him.  Colton says no.  He goes out to get Cassie.

Cassie is incredibly nervous.  She is crying.  She is freaking out.  She is so worried she won’t say the right things.  I think she could use a valium cocktail.  Colton tells her he just wants her to be herself and not worry about it.  Family asks if they are boyfriend/girlfriend or dating or serious or what.  They don’t know.  They are currently agreeing to take it day by day.

Family does not look happy.

Image result for gif angry

Mom asks Colton if they can go chat.  He says he’s crazy about her.  Mom says her only hope is that it is reciprocated.

Cassie tells Colton’s dad that she loves and cares for him.  They should work out because there is no reason they should not unless they truly aren’t meant to be together.

Cassie tells Colton’s mom she was just under so much pressure so she left.  She says they are on a little bit different pages.

Colton’s dad asks Colton if he is second guessing his choice.  Nope, Colton is sure that he loves her.  Colton says he is willing to be patient.  Colton’s dad starts crying which as my friend points out, obviously runs in the family.  He doesn’t want Colton to get hurt.

Final Date

They are riding around in an open-top Jeep laughing and talking.  She asked him if he could play any song right now what would it be?  I get nervous he’s gonna say a T-Swift song.

They arrive at a big rocky cliff.  Their picnic is at the bottom of the cliff.  They have to rappel to get to their picnic.  She says she is nervous.

COLTON DONT MAKE THE GIRL DO SCARY THINGS.  SHE IS FRAGILE.

At the base she opens up to Colton about a previous controlling relationship and it leads to her fear about committing.  She’s scared to not be allowed to be her.  That makes some sense- it might have been nice if she had told him any of these concerns weeks ago.  He tells her it is possible to be in a relationship and yet still have individual hobbies and friends.

At “dinner” Cassie tells Colton that if she is going to commit to a relationship it will be if she thinks it really has the potential to get there.  Colton is all smiles.  He gets out the magic fantasy suite card.  Cassie instantly accepts.

They get to the fantasy suite and lay down on the bed.  Cassie’s dress is shorter than my bikini- however that is possible.  They kiss on the bed for 22 seconds and then he promptly gets up (I think he was already up) to kick the crew out.  The crew leaves and then Colton calls them back to de-mic them please and HURRY UP.  They take their mics and the camera man wishes Colton good luck on the way out.  And just like that he’s our favorite camera man.  Why we don’t get to see the crew more, I don’t know.

Do they have breakfast in bed?  Are their clothes on the floor?  Do they drink coffee on the balcony together?  WE DONT KNOW.

Because instead of seeing them wake up we see them “together in public for the first time” with Chris Harrison on the live show.  They are “both in love” and crazy happy together.  They plan to travel for the next year and spend every day together.

We watch a happy little montage of them hanging out together on their weekend getaways for the last few months.  Colton moved to L.A.

Chris asks the real question… did he lose his virginity in the fantasy suite?  Colton eloquently says that heading into the fantasy suite he was fully focused on their relationship but now there are two of them in the relationship and they are going to keep it to themselves.

This is Hero’s face when he heard we don’t have to talk about Colton’s virginity or lack of virginity anymore.

hero smile

Then Air Supply plays live and rose petals shoot out of cannons.  As they go to break Chris chats with Colton.  He’s smiling but my guess is he is saying, “Hey remember that time you made me jog in Portugal and get all sweaty? Jerk.”

Next Bachelorette

Chris introduces Hannah B.  UGH.  The first words out of her mouth before she even sits down are “Roll Tide”.  I threw up.

Chris has talked to her for ten minutes and she has not finished one sentence.  She is so good at her pageant smile though and she “feels so blessed and thankful for this experience”.

Image result for gif harsher punishment for parole violators stan

Surprise! It’s starting now.  It’s not a surprise guys.  They do this all the time.  It’s pretty standard now.  Yet, Hannah is somehow shocked and confused.  She says “how do I stand?”

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They bring out five guys.  Hannah is awkward with all of them and is unable to form words.

She tells Chris that she is ready to give out a rose- right now. WHAT?  Hustle interns, get a corsage.  THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED AND WAS FOR SURE HER IDEA.

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After commercial the five guys are lined up and Hannah is up with a podium with one rose.  Chris tells us this is the only rose of the night.

Hannah starts mumbling and then throws out this gem–

“This is the hardest decision I’ve made this season.  For those of you who don’t get a rose I’ll see you back at the mansion and … try harder.”

Here’s hoping they write her some lines.  She gives the rose to a white guy who tries to rap- so there’s the foreshadowing of this next season for ya.

My friend Michaela texted with the real truth about this next season… “Chris Harrison is really going to earn his money with this one.”

Valid.

Thanks for hanging in there with me guys.

The Bachelor Colton: Finale Part 1

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Bachelor Recaps / Uncategorized

If you remember last week he jumped the fence and was last known to be wandering somewhere in Portugal.

Now because they are making it a two-night-live-hoopla we have to do reviews and recaps and flashbacks.  It’s not new though, because I was already watching all season.

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Picking up where we left off we find the search party looking for Colton.  Chris Harrison is a master sleuth and comments that a dog is barking over there, could Colton be nearby?  They just keep yelling his name like they are searching for a dog in the neighborhood.  Get some minivans!  We need wheels for this search. My favorite part is that they are using cool cop lingo saying “copy” back and forth.  The only thing better is when it’s the people at KFC talking on their headsets.

Chris is one the phone with whoever and says if they don’t find him in a few minutes they are going to need to call the police.  To report a grown man taking himself on a walk?  That is not a crime and not a missing person.

The producers roll up in the minivan Uber and there he is.  She jumps out and asks the dumbest question known to man, “are you ok?”

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He is clearly having a rough night.  The editors must have had to work so hard to edit out each time Chris or a producer reminded him of the contract he signed.  Meanwhile one of my cop friends is texting that they should have flipped the K9 perimeter to the East.

Apparently the next morning Colton is back in the hotel after being reminded thoroughly of his contract.  Chris is checking in on him to see if he slept at all.  He’s worried about His Show Colton.  Colton is tired of getting hurt.  He wants to be with Cassie.  He loves her enough to risk it all.  He knows what he needs to do.

His van pulls up and he knocks on a door.  Is it Cassie? Is it Cassie’s dad? Nope.  It’s Tayshia.  He tells her that he knows he was falling for her, but his heart I somewhere else.  He tells her she deserves the honesty.  He says he is in love with Cassie.  She asks if they can talks without all the cameras.  Colton says yes.  WHAT? Where is your contract? Have you forgotten everything.  Then we proceed to hear him crying and Tayshia telling him not to cry.   Now she is crying too.  Or there is a cat in heat in that room too.  Only dogs can understand the noise.

So, this is like it? – Tayshia

Yeah- Colton

One last hug for the cameras and he’s out.

Back in the studio Chris tells us that Tayshia is here and is getting ready to see Colton for the first time since that day.  It’s not that I don’t want to talk to Tayshia, but, um, can we please finish what happens with him first and talk to her on After the Final Rose?  `

Tayshia says she was excited when she opened the door and it was him, but immediately could tell by the look on his face.  It was hard.  It was a surprise.  She knows that she deserves someone amazing, and if Colton knew what he wanted then it was his journey to find that.  Time to bring out Colton.

The one question Tayshia has for him is what was missing?  Colton says the memories were awesome.  He just gave all of him to Cassie.  His heart was completely Cassie’s.  He stands by his decisions.  Tayshia wishes the best for him and cherishes the memories they have.  She is proud of the woman she has become from this journey and is looking forward to that healthy good relationship she knows is in her future.

*Does she know this because she is the next Bachelorette?*

Back in Portugal Hannah G is talking about how much she is looking forward to her overnight with Colton.  She has missed out on so much.  He arrives at her door to come in and talk.  He tells her that she has been his rock the whole time, but he can’t be in love with two people.  A relationship with another girl is at a stronger point.  He tells her that he realized he loves Cassie.  She is clearly surprised.  He tells Hannah that he thought it was gonna be her.  I thought so too. I’m guessing Hannah did too.

She asked what didn’t work between them.

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Basically that she’ not Cassie is her downfall.  He doesn’t have an answer because there wasn’t anything.  She keeps saying that she doesn’t feel like this is happening.  Poor Hannah is crying and regretting opening up to Colton and she’s really regretting the cameras being there too.

Colton starts unraveling.  He says he’s saying goodbye to someone who loves him and he doesn’t want to lose her.  He doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision.

Through tears Colton tells Hannah that she doesn’t deserve to be anybody’s backup plan.

Colton is crying outside.  A producer asks if he is ok and gives him a hug.  If this guy isn’t in the shower, he’s crying.

God bless Hannah.  She gets in the minivan and the only words out of her mouth- “I don’t want to talk about anything.”

We cut to Hannah on stage with Chris in L.A.  It was hard for her to see that he left and was struggling too.  She was just so blindsided.  It was a shock.  It’s the ultimate rejection.

Chris asked if she is in love with him.  She was.  Deep down she thought it would be the two of them at the end.  But now, no.

Hannah asked Colton that if they had had more time would this be a different story?  He was just so sure it was Cassie.  He didn’t want to make her a backup plan.  Hannah told Colton that what Cassie did to him is what he did to her.

Image result for friends gif i have tasted my own medicine

Hannah told him how much it sucked to see him tell Cassie that he was thinking about her on other dates.

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Hannah tells him that she is happy for him, which makes me think his visit to ‘talk Cassie into loving him’ must go well.  At least on After the Final Rose tomorrow night we don’t have to watch him talk to the rejects.  Check that off the list.

And now… instead of showing us what happened next… Chris has a chat with Ben, Garret, Blake, and Jason.  Jason casually mentions that there is love around the corner for the two girls who left heartbroken.  If you didn’t know… he’s now dating Kaitlin Bristowe.  Ben applauds his smoothness of working Kaitlin in.  The guys hypothesize what Colton will do next and they discuss his new hair style.

I take a drink of my adult beverage and wish that they would just show me what happened in Portugal.

Chris tells us what happens next is shocking and has never happened in Bachelor history- but don’t get too excited.  There are only six minutes left tonight.

Cassie is packing and can’t wait to be home with her family and friends and ‘move on with her life’.  This does not encourage me into thinking that she is in love with him.  He’s not giving up.  He’s going to fight for her.  He is willing to do anything and everything because that is how much he loves Cassie.

He walks into her hotel and knocks on her door.  The door opens and he says ‘hey’.

To be continued…

Also, tomorrow night they will reveal the next bachelorette.  Tune in!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Colton: Women Tell All

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Bachelor Recaps / Uncategorized

Ok, I’m gonna just do bullet points of anything important, funny, or amusing from the Women Tell All.

  • Oneyaka and Nicole still don’t get along.

 

  • Oneyaka and Sydney don’t get along.

 

  • Demi and Courtney don’t get along.

 

  • Random blonde girl is so hurt that Nicole would call Oneyaka a bully because random blonde girl was bullied.

 

  • So much yelling.

 

  • Katie said that she overheard Caelynn and Cassie talking about being the bachelorette.  Caelynn says uh-uh.  Not what was said.  After the show Caelynn called Katie and Katie repeated back exactly what was actually said.  Now Katie is so mad.  She did not say that.  Caelynn is lying.  Amy is bored.

 

  • Demi and Courtney are yelling again.

 

  • Demi says calling Courtney the cancer of the house was maybe too much.  She was more like bed bugs.  Please let Demi be the next bachelorette.

 

  • Courtney was yelling at Demi and walked across the stage and shoved a pacifier in her mouth.  I think that’s a really great way to get punched in the face.

 

  • Demi says she is sexually confident and promiscuous- sorry dad.  It’s hard for Demi to be vulnerable and watching that back, it makes her emotional.  Tracy questioned if she was truly considering getting engaged and married.  She told her that in Vietnam she wanted to be the last woman standing and wanted to marry Colton and that Tracy might not understand because she went home a few weeks earlier.  Ooooh, burn.  Chris says we will probably see her again somewhere, i.e. paradise.

 

  •  Nicole gets in the hot seat to talk about that crying is just her opening up and being who she is.  I didn’t find her crying interesting or worthy or sitting in the hot seat, but evidently it was a big deal.  Surprise, Halo Top is hooking Nicole up with a one-year supply of ice cream because she cries a bunch.  Um, ok.  Somewhere Ashley eyelashes is crying her eyes out and is pissed.  She deserved way more ice cream, if in fact criers earn ice cream.

 

  • Hannah B takes the hot seat to make her Bachelorette audition interview.  Surprise! She struggles with being a perfectionist. Perhaps from her pageant life, but who can say for sure.  This helped her see who she wants to be and how much she deserves to be chosen and loved fiercely.  She is nailing this bachelorette interview.  Chris pulls out some champagne to let her have a do-over for making a toast.  She says, “Cheers to this beautiful day together, new experiences, and continuing to be honest and real every moment they have together, and roll tide.” VOMIT.

 

  • Caelynn takes her turn in the hot seat.  She cries after watching her recap time on the show.  It sucks to not be loved back.  Chris asks how she feels about seeing him tonight.  She’s shaking just thinking about it.  Everyone supports her for sharing her sexual assault story.

 

  • Colton comes out proving that like I said he was eventually found in Portugal and not lost wandering forever.  Demi introduced Courtney to Colton since she has obviously never met him.  Chris asks Courtney if she has anything to say to Colton.  She doesn’t.  Colton looks shocked and confused that he might have missed something tonight.

 

  • Caelynn wants to know when he knew it wasn’t her.  He dodges around a bunch and talks about how they had a special relationship.

 

  • Sydney wants to know if he is still a virgin.  Chris cuts him off while he is mumbling a bit and then Chris takes a poll of who thinks he is still a virgin.  4 or 5 ladies think he is still a virgin.  Demi tells him he missed out on a great fantasy suite with her.

 

  • The bloopers show mostly a lot of nature interactions.  Demi fits a large amount of salami in her mouth.

 

  • I’m sad because the one and only red head, Elyse was not present for this filming.

 

Next week there is a two-night finale special.  I hope it’s not a bunch of watch parties and other filler fluff.  Tune in!