Not to worry, y’all. I’m here to recap the bachelorette this season again.
We have to start out with the reminder of who this Becca chick is. Remember? She went on the Bachelor with Arie and got picked at the end. It was her happily ever after… until Arie realized that he just couldn’t live with someone who wasn’t a blonde so he ended it to run off and get Lauren. The heartbroken Becca didn’t know which way to turn so Chris H. told her she could just pick from 28 guys and do the damn thing herself.
Now you’re caught up. She speeds up in a red convertible to the mansion (which is a family’s house year-round except when the Bach is filming and they rent it out for a pretty penny). She has to have mimosas with Jojo, Kaitlin, and Rachel (who got engaged at the end of her season and then they broke up, but now she is engaged to someone else so I guess she is allowed to be on the show?) But then they talk about how all three of them gave the first impression rose to the guy they are with and they all kissed them on the first night. So maybe Rachel is still with him. I don’t know, but I’m for sure not gonna research it.
They burn sage everywhere to cleanse the mansion and also make it smell like Thanksgiving Turkey.
Get the limos rollin, y’all. I’m ready. P.S.- fun fact. I don’t love night one. There are too many of ’em and I can’t keep track and ABC refuses to make them wear Price is Right name tags, which would make me much happier and blogging so much easier.
We got football players, models, grocery store managers, dog daddies, and more.
Becca is wearing a gorgeous beaded white gown and waiting in the driveway. Prepare for hearing let’s do the damn thing ten million times.
Colton- Former Pro Football Player
They pop party poppers of confetti. Becca thinks he’s handsome.
BIO Blip: Post-football, Colton has dedicated himself to helping children fighting Cystic Fibrosis.
He has respect for what she’s gone through.
BIO Blip: If the Bachelorette can handle a healthy dose of sarcasm, there will definitely be sparks with Grant!
Clay- Pro Football Player
He’s caught a lot of passes in his day, but he if were to land her, it would be the biggest catch in his life. He’s gonna catch her later. Later on he does and they make clay figures together so she can remember his name.
BIO Blip: He is a true gentleman who doesn’t even curse!
Jean Blanc- Colognoisseur
He teaches her how to say let’s do the damn thing in French. She mentions that he smelled so good.
BIO Blip: Jean Blanc was born in Haiti and immigrated with his family to Boston when he was only two years old.
Connor- Fitness Coach
He gets down on one knee and opens a box asking if she’s ready to do the damn thing.
BIO Blip: Connor is a risk-taker, whose health and fitness is his #1 priority.
Joe- Grocery Store Owner
He forgot everything he was going to tell her.
BIO Blip: Formerly one of the youngest traders on the Chicago stock exchange, Joe turned a successful career in big finance into a successful career in small business.
John- Software Engineer
His grandma always told him that love can happen overnight.
BIO Blip: When he’s not working, you can find him wine tasting, playing guitar or making his world-famous banana bread.
He lets his hair down metaphorically and physically. Becca says he has better hair than he does.
BIO Blip: Leo’s been growing his hair for 10 years and prefers the “messy bun” look.
Jordan- Male model
He’s distracted by her looks. He says later he wants to make sure Becca heard the tapping of his shoes, like a gentleman’s heart. Inside he tells the other guys he spent six hours hand selecting his wardrobe for the event. Lord help us all. He’s gonna be fatiguing.
BIO Blip: When he’s not posing for magazines shoots giving his best “pensive gentleman” look, Jordan enjoys kayaking and running. With a personal best mile time of 4.24 Jordan’s excited to sprint to the finish line with the Bachelorette.
Rickey- IT Consultant
He tells her she’s got all the adjectives going for her; gorgeous, pretty, amazing, etc.
BIO Blip: After college at JMU and a stint on Wall Street, Rickey created a successful online personal training company.
Alex- Construction Manager
He tells her she looks gorgeous. She loves his tie.
BIO Blip: A self-proclaimed country music lover, Alex enjoys spending time with his dog, Donzi, and taking trips to the beach with his boat.
He shows up wearing a race car driver suit and then asks what kind of underwear you wear with that. He takes off the suit and says he’s a lawyer so he’s usually good at opening statements, but that’s all had for tonight. Pretty hair guy comments that reminding her of her ex is maybe not the best move.
BIO Blip: When he’s not winning trials, you can catch him in his signature tracksuits being the life of the party.
Mike- Sports Analyst
He gets out of the limo with a cardboard cutout of Arie. He says it’s important that he make an appearance tonight to see just how happy and vibrant she is now.
BIO Blip: Mike loves festivals, horse races and state fairs. He also loves his bulldog, Riggins.
Garrett- Medical Sales Rep
He shows up in a minivan saying he hopes to be a great dad one day. He shows her that it has a carseat, soccer balls, and a diaper bag. She laughs at his antics and admits to the camera that it was pretty good.
Later he helps her work on her fly fishing casts by the pool. Guys inside wonder if she’s catching feelings.
BIO Blip: When he’s not on an outdoor adventure, he’s perfecting his Chris Farley impression. He’s excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!
Blake- Sales Rep
Blake shows up on an ox and says already his feelings are as strong as an ox. You might remember that he was on the live- after the final rose introduction show. He rode a horse and reminded her to get back on the horse. He’s got access to a lot of livestock evidently. Later in the night they chat about how much they were able to love the wrong people, so how much must they be able to love the right people. Becca says they connect and get each other easily.
BIO Blip: Despite excelling at football and basketball, Blake has a secret talent… he’s a great swing dancer!
Lincoln- Account Sales Executive
He also met her on the After the Final Rose show. He brings chocolate cake to share with her. Not a bad move. He gives her a bracelet later during the night.
BIO Blip: Lincoln would love to have a big family to make his mom proud. Fun fact, Lincoln was named after Abraham Lincoln.
Chase- Advertising VP
He says the Chase is what makes the ending that much better. She met him on the After the Final Rose. Uh-oh. Someone knows his ex-girlfriend and she said he’s not here for the right reasons. Oooooh. Drama
BIO Blip: A college baseball player, Chase competed in the College World Series twice as third baseman for the University of South Carolina.
Darius- Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
He doesn’t feel nervous; he feels great.
BIO Blip: Darius is an energetic, fun-loving Milwaukeean who loves to dance.
She asks about the Banjo. He says maybe later.
BIO Blip: This banjo-playing Cape Cod native is extremely close to his family. They all play together in a bluegrass band.
Christon- Former Harlem Globetrotter
He’s dying to know more about her and hopes this is the first of many conversations. Later he takes her to the driveway and has her stand and hold the ball over her head. Then he jumps over her, grabs the ball, and dunks it. No Beccas were hurt during the filming of this move.
BIO Blip: Bored with his corporate job in Detroit, Christon sent an e-mail to the Harlem Globetrotters to see if they were looking for new talent. Before he knew it, he was flying around the world entertaining thousands with his acrobatic dunks.
Wills- Graphic Designer
He admits he’s a bit of a closet nerd. Later he shows her a Harry Potter tattoo that she goes gaga over.
BIO Blip: He loves his job as an Editorial Designer, but not as much as he loves Harry Potter.
Jason- Sr. Corporate Banker
He teaches her a secret handshake.
BIO Blip: When Jason’s not rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills, he’s belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies
Kamil- Social Media Participant
He has her walk out into the driveway to meet him halfway, because that is importan in relationships. Then he takes a step back and suggests she go 60% and she takes a step back. I knew he was done right there.
BIO Blip: Kamil was born in Poland and moved to the United States with his parents when he was five years old. He learned English by watching cartoons.
Jake- Marketing Consultant
She says he looks familiar and then remembers him from Minneapolis. She calls him an acquaintance and says she has met him on many occasions. Later in the night she grabs him to chat about how she thought there were never any sparks when meeting in the past. He reiterates that he only remembers meeting her once. She says since they did meet and there was nothing done on either end she doesn’t want him to stay. He’s worried she remembers a different Jake. He has had a very transformative year. He’s a new Jake. She doesn’t want to waste his time. He keeps talking when she stands up which is his cue. Peace out, Jake.
BIO Blip: This adventure-seeking Minneapolis native grew up riding dirt bikes in rural areas, racing motocross since the age of 13.
He shows up in a hearse. He says when he heard Becca was the bachelorette he literally died.
BIO Blip: This animal lover from Carrol, IA moved to Florida to pursue a career as a realtor and a model.
He grabs her hand and has her spin to get the full view. Hmmmm.
BIO Blip: A natural athlete, he played semi-professional soccer in the States until an injury forced him to retire.
David- Venture Capitalist/Chicken
He gets out dressed as a chicken and squawks Be-caa, Becc-aa. He says he isn’t here to ruffle feathers and hopefully they will have an egg-celent time. Later they have a super chill chat together after doing the chicken dance. He says he’s a lucky bird and she’s a cool chick.
BIO Blip: He loves guacamole, but hates avocado. Hopefully, that’s not a deal breaker for the Bachelorette!
Chris- Sales Trainer
He says he watched her hometown date and knows that the only way to her heart is to win over her uncle Gary. He has an entire choir get out of the limo to sing a song about a rose.
BIO Blip: He comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he’s determined to do the same!
Becca grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Garrett, the mini-van guy who went fishing in the pool. I guess he was casting vibes out too. Big kiss for Garrett.
She reminds the guys if they don’t get a rose it’s not because they aren’t great, it’s just because she is following her heart and her gut.
Roses are awarded to:
- Chris R.
Kamil is really, really embarrassed. He’s not taking it well that he lost to a chicken. Chase is sure this is because his ex from two years ago texted another guy to questions his reasons for being there. Maybe she just didn’t feel it. Most of the other rejects take it like grown ups.
The preview for the season looks great. I saw: yelling, crying, kissing, blood, an ambulance, pretty dresses, and name calling! Ooooh. I can’t wait.