All posts filed under: Bachelor Recaps

The Bachelor Colton: Episode 3

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“I think we all really want the one-on-one date.” – Demi.  THIS GIRL IS BRILLIANT, Y’ALL. Group Date: Katie, Heather, Hannah B, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, Caelynn. Here’s the drama we’re preparing for: beauty queen feud!  Yay.  Add in Demi and Tracy and their disagreements.  It’s gonna be good. It’s a pirate-themed date.  Cue the yo-hoe-hoe puns.  I noticed a surprising lack of rum, myself. The girls are dressed in traditional pirate garb, well- Halloween […]

The Bachelor Colton: Episode 2

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I’m super sorry this is late.  You see my little body has been pretty cranky lately and it took me a while to finish up this here little recap.  My apologies, friends.  Let’s jump right in! Group Date- Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Oneyeka, Catherine “You never forget your first date” Megan Mullalley and Nick Offerman are hosting a weird gathering where the girls all get to get up and do a speech […]

The Bachelor Colton- Episode 1

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Bachelor Recaps / Uncategorized

Well, I’m back.  Another season, another reason to gather around and laugh at the TV.  It’s Colton.  You remember him.  He’s some age, looks ok showering, played football in the NFL for a bit, and hasn’t had sex.  That’s the storyline.  It’s incessant.  It has been brought up 2000 times.  DO NOT PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH THE WORD VIRGIN.  You will die. The first hour is rough.  We have to have a recap about […]

The Bachelor Arie: Finale, After the Final Rose

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You don’t know what it’s like living on the West coast.  We have to avoid social media for three hours leading up to the Bachelor if we want to avoid spoilers.  Y’all should have to do it some time, East Coast. Anywho, Chris Harrison promised us that tonight all of our questions will be answered.  I don’t know if that’s true though.  I have deep questions.  Why didn’t Becca stab him in the neck?  Has […]

The Bachelor Arie: Finale Part 1

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Cusco, Peru.  Alpacas everywhere.  It’s the perfect place to be proposed to.  Becca is committed.  Nothing about her is a mystery.  Lauren is still reserved or possibly mute.  He’s been peeling back the layers all season. It’s time to meet Arie’s family.  Lauren is first.  She’s nervous and quiet, but she is wearing a super cute slouchy sweater so I have a good feeling.  The whole family hasn’t been together since little brother’s wedding in […]

The Bachelor Arie: Fantasy Suites

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We’re down to three, folks.  Welcome to Peru. Kendall’s Date First up, Kendall.  They explore some sand dunes and ride in a dune buggy.  They have what she described as a “sandpaper kiss”.  Awww?  They have a picnic in the sand and eat something that I can’t tell what is.  That night at a tiki hut they eat more things I can’t tell what are.  She says she has so many things to ask him and […]

The Bachelor Arie: Hometowns

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“It’s been such an amazing journey so far.” – Arie That’s double points because he included amazing and journey.  Drink up, friends! Kendall’s Hometown- L.A. Mount and straddle in the park then we’re off to a taxidermy shop, because when in L.A… She shows him several terrifying pieces and explains how it’s her way to appreciate animals.  Then surprise… they are going to mount their own animals.  Rats.  They stuff things inside dead rat skin […]

The Bachelor Arie: Episode 7

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My DVR says this is episode seven, and I suppose it can count.  The preview is mostly just tears.  Everyone is crying.  I can’t wait. The gang is in Tuscany, Pisa to be exact. “Why do you think it’s leaning?” Overheard while they visit the leaning tower of Pisa. Chris Harrison arrives to deliver the news.  No rose ceremony this week because there are three one-on-ones and a group date.  Each of the four roses […]

The Bachelor Arie- Episode Paris

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I don’t know what number episode this is, but it’s the Paris episode. 10 women.  One Arie. The girls are staying on a boat in Paris apparently.  Chris Harrison arrived to tell the girls there are FOUR dates this week.  Two one-on-ones, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one. One-on-One- Lauren B. “Tomber amoreaux en Paris.” Arie Arie walks up to whisk LB away, who is wearing a denim/floral romper. “You can’t go pee the […]

The Bachelor Arie: Episode 4

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The show opens up with baby Bekah swimming in the pool.  I can’t describe the swimming stroke because I’m not familiar with it.  The other girls are inside discussing that Arie doesn’t know how young baby Bekah is.  A 14-year age gap simply can’t work. Chris arrives to deliver the bad news that there won’t be a date today… in LA, because Arie is already gone.  It’s time to pack up and meet him in South […]