Ok, we’re 9 minutes out from when the episode ended, so I’m still mad. The feelings are fresh and raw and I’m cranky. It was a two hour show tonight for four hometown dates. The first three dates were in the first hour and the last date and four minute rose ceremony was the last hour, so I imagine I’ll be focusing my attention of this blog similarly.
Date One: Baltimore, MD with Eric
I like Eric. I think he brings out a side of Rachel that is fun and happy, but also real. I could see them working out (hint: I’ll not be saying that about everyone).
They hang out in town and see where Eric grew up, including the basketball court where he spent so much of his youth. She shoots hoops with him in heels and makes it look easy. She meets Ralph, who is Eric’s “A1”, which I thought was a steak sauce. I don’t know if it’s a friend or a brother, but Rachel makes a great impression as usual.
They chat and Rachel asks Eric when he last brought a girl home. Prom. She freaks out a bit, but pulls it together.
Meeting the family goes great. Rachel talks to a woman older than Eric’s mom, I am assuming grandma, and she seems to love Rachel and tells her that Eric is definitely ready to settle down. Rachel talks to mom next who is slightly less enthusiastic, but still polite and friendly and appears to enjoy Rachel.
Eric talks to his mom and tells her that he loves her unconditionally, no matter how his childhood was.
Eric talks to his dad and says he learned by seeing what he and his uncle did on the streets and when he was fifteen he made a promise to himself that he would go the opposite way and he stuck to his promise.
Everyone gets along great and after the family time Eric tells Rachel that he realized to himself I’m in love with this girl. Me, I take that to mean that he loves her. Rachel does not because it is not the three words said directly to her. If it’s not that, don’t even waste your time.
So to sum up date one: I like Eric.
Date Two: Miami, FL with Bryan
Rachel says that Miami reminds her of Bryan because it is hot, steamy, and sexy and sometimes speaks Spanish. What? Ok.
The two lovebirds spend some time at a Domino park and then try the authentic cuisine– corn tortilla with shredded beef.
Rachel cautiously tells the camera that she remembers why it didn’t work with Bryan and his last girlfriend– because she couldn’t get along with his mom. Rachel admits she is a wee bit nervous to meet mom. Bryan preps Rachel by reminding her that he is an only child and that this is a big deal. No pressure, Rach.
** Sidenote: are they doing shots of fireball in the driveways and we are just not seeing it? Because I don’t think that’s the worst idea.**
They arrive and are greeted with hugs all around. They sit at the table and mom makes a toast right away to the ‘most precious thing she has in her life’ and then she cries. It is easier for me if I pretend she is two bottles in, ala Jojo’s mom from Ben’s season.
It is time for Bryan’s mom, Olga to have her chat with Rachel.
Mom is cordial, yet FIRM.
Mom: When a woman marries a man, she marries his family.
Rachel: I completely agree. Bryan would be a part of my family too.
Mom: *Death glare*
Amy: Have fun deciding which family you will visit for what holidays. Spoiler alert: it will be all Olga, all the time. It’s Olga’s way or Olga’s way.
Mom: If Bryan is happy, I am happy. If Bryan is not happy, I’ll kill you.
Rachel: laughs at obvious joke.
Mom: stone cold face. (Because it kind of takes away from the seriousness of the death threat if you laugh at the end, duh.)
Olga cries waterless tears to the camera.
It’s time for Olga and Bryan to talk. She starts by mentioning the number of girls he has met. “You have met so many girls. SOOO many girls, yet you go on this show and suddenly this one is the one? I am shocked. I can not believe.”
“No matter what, mother is mother. BLOOD is BLOOD.” Sounds supportive to me.
Rachel talks to another woman (obviously not a sister, maybe an aunt, cousin, friend, esthetician, family pharmacist?) who makes it clear that Bryan’s last girlfriend was super selfish and wanted Bryan all for herself!
Amy: So, she didn’t want Bryan to be dating his mom? Weird.
Date ends, Bryan tells Rachel that he loves her using the magic words in the proper order and therefore Rachel is thrilled.
Date Three: Madison, WI with Peter
They happily greet each other and then start by walking through the Saturday Farmer’s Market. Rachel loves it.
They go to a restaurant and I’m a little confused as to why the two of them are in a giant booth. Peter tells her that she is meeting some of his friends. She promptly says, “I’m leaving.” I get it. Meeting friends is way scary.
Peter takes his dude friends away to chat. He tells them that the thought of getting down on one knee in three weeks and proposing is f’ing terrifying and that he only wants to do it once. He explains that he has no idea what she would be like outside of this show. They explain that they too think this is rational and logical thinking on his part. I agree.
It mostly went like this:
Peter and Rachel head off to meet his family. The main topic of conversation is “is he ready to propose?” His mom tells Rachel that he is definitely ready for a commitment, but maybe it wouldn’t be a ring. PS– Rachel has made it clear that this is unacceptable!
Peter is adorable with his niece. Rachel thinks he would be a great dad. But can she date him for a few months and then have him propose? No.
Peter’s mom tells him that whatever decision he makes she will support him no matter what. So basically exactly what Olga said.
Date Four: Aspen, CO with Dean
I said it in the opening, but let me remind you that at the point in the show when we hit this date, the last date, there was exactly one whole hour left. If you as well watch the clock while watching the show, you knew too that this date must be the most dramatic date ever!
Poor, poor, poor Dean. Whichever producer forced him into making this happen, I’m mad at you too.
Dean adorably waves to Rachel when he greets her! Big smiles. He is somehow almost pulling off Burgundy skinny jeans, which is worth noting.
They ride ATV’s and Dean is secretly hoping he crashes and can avoid this evening.
Afterwards he decides he must prep her for the evening.
Dean: This is all about you. So you can see where I grew up. I haven’t seen my dad in two years.
Rachel: But why? Have you tried? I know nothing about this relationship or anything, but let me quick tell you how to live your life and what to do.
Dean asks her if it is in fact all on him to try to mend a relationship. Her answer is mostly, YES. Neat. Dean is pumped.
He throws out a few other quick little facts: My dad’s name is Paranrube. Rachel asks what he wants her to call him– Paranrube. He is some kind of a yogi Sikh- not a relative to the bear apparently. He wears a turban and has a beard down to his belly button (also known as a navel chakra– I learned that this episode). His name means divinely beautiful and is a self given name. This is a new name as of the last six years and it is not the father he grew up with. Paranrube’s wife is named Centaurtaur. For ease of pronunciation she would like to be called Centaurtaur.
They approach the house. Dean’s face is quite similar to what I believe mine was walking into my colonoscopy. I’m certain Dean would have preferred a colonoscopy, actually.
Dean reminds Rachel that this is not a good representation of who he is. Upbeat and positive Dean tells Rachel, “I’m not nervous, I’m terrified. This is going to be awful.”
All I can think is that the producers did everything in their power to make this happen.
They walk in to find everyone sitting on the floor. Dean quickly asks about the absence of the table, dad mentions they don’t have one anymore. Paranrube welcomes them and says he is excited to play the gong for them to do a cleansing.
The camera pans to Dean.
In order for the gong ceremony to work they must all be laying down with their head pointed in the direction of the gong. What’s worse than a faulty gong ceremony?
At this point I have deduced that Dean is about nine shots behind to be able to make it through this evening. Rachel loved the energy from the gong ceremony. I laid down on the floor with my head pointed towards the gong too to borrow the energy. That’s a lie. I didn’t have the energy to get off the couch.
Dad says that before his wife died she said feathers was her thing so he got feathers for everyone. He cries while saying this and says she was the most amazing woman in the world, except his current wife of course. Centaurtaur bows.
Next up is a dinner of mung beans and rice. Dad asks Dean if he likes it and he responds that it is delicious, but he only wishes he would have not eaten prior to arriving. Dad is mad. Dean is thinking about what he’s gonna order when he drives through taco bell on his way home.
Dad asks if he and Dean can talk. A good response at this point would have been, “no, but thanks for asking.” Unfortunately, Dean tries to be a grown-up, probably due to Rachel’s snooty speech earlier.
Dad starts out by complimenting Dean that he is speaking from his navel chakra, good for you. Dad points out that Dean seems to have turned out ok, so that must mean he’s a great dad. Dean’s eye is starting to twitch and bulge out of his head. He not-so-calmly asks if he in fact believes he was a good dad. Dad is defensive. Dean says it would have been great if they could have all come together as a family after mom died since it sucked for all of them, as well as a few other ideas about it would have been great if dad could have been there to talk, etc. Now dad is getting really mad. Centaurtaur is in the background rolling out the gong as she sees there will be a cleansing necessary soon. (I made that part up, but she probably was.)
Dad: In my teaching, we believe whatever you think about the other person is you. So whatever you think about me is really how you feel about yourself.
Dean: takes a drink. The mung bean beer is not doing the trick though, clearly.
Dad: My dad left, the son-of-a-bitch.
Amy: Wait! Does that mean since dad think’s his dad was a son-of-a-bitch that he is also one?
Dad: You’re making bold statements that I wasn’t there.
Dean: You admitted you weren’t there.
Dean: So how is it a bold statement if it’s true?
Dad: *gets bleaped out a bunch, clearly not navel chakra talk* and walks off.
Dean: I love you regardless!
Amy: GET DEAN A FLASK! And a donut, and a pizza, and cake, and a HUG!
It’s Rachel’s turn to talk to Paranrube. She asks if she can talk to him to which he responds, “if you must”. **How much money did ABC give this guy?** Rachel suggests they talk over by the fire, but dad says that actually, he is really kind of done. She tries to be polite and diplomatic. Finally he tells her that Dean is an incredible man and that her relationship with Paranrube in some ways is through Dean.
At this point Paranrube raps it up with a simple, “No, no, I regret” and off he goes after first telling Rachel that she is welcome back there if their relationship continues. She gets out her calendar to quick pencil in the next visit.
Rachel goes inside to find Dean falling apart. I feel just awful for him. He is still processing through the pain of his mom dying and his whole family falling apart. He tells Rachel he is falling in love with her and she responds she is falling in love with him too. (We learn later that in Rachel land, this does not count as an official ‘I love you’).
Rose Ceremony… from Hell (I’m still mad)
Rachel tells Chris Harrison that she is falling in love with all four men. Lies. She cries dry tears. She also tells him that only Bryan said he is in love with her. I yell at the tv. She might be a lawyer, but she is a horrible detective.
Rose 1: Bryan
Rose 2: Eric
Rose 3: Peter
Amy: NOOOOO! Please don’t do this to poor, poor Dean! You are an evil woman.
She walks him out and he is shocked. She tells him she just didn’t think he was ready for the commitment. He jumps in and says that he told her he was falling in love with her and she said it back. She tells him that she meant it, too. LIAR, LIAR, formal gown on FIRE! She meant everything she said to him. Really? yet, every person in Peter’s family and Peter himself said he is not ready to propose.
What a stupid show. At this point, the only person I could see her being with is Eric, so she will surely pick Brian and Olga. I guess that is Brolga.
In the rejection limo Dean is shocked and said he thought he finally found someone for him. (I’m secretly hoping this is his Bachelor audition tape).
Either way, I’m off to stalk him on social media and see if he is ok, because what a super fun week for him!
The remaining 3 head to Spain next week to meet Rachel’s family. There appears to be drama in the previews, but no gong.
Hang in there, folks.
~Delightful and witty beauty (my new self given name)