The Bachelorette Rachel: Episode 4

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Bachelorette Recaps / Uncategorized

Last week there was no episode due to NBA finals so it’s been two weeks.  It was almost so long that I forgot what most dramatic thing ever was happening.  Oh yes, there was drama about if Rachel might take Eric’s rose away.

We find the guys in the mansion with Eric yelling at Iggy that it is a problem and it is his business because  ‘his name is ‘in everyone’s mouth’.  I can understand his frustration.

Meanwhile, outside Kenny and Rachel are chatting when up walks Lee.  Dun, Dun, Dunnnn!  Kenny asks him politely to give him just like 60 more seconds.  Lee repeats that he will give him 16 more.  Then he walks off to the side and counts to 16, like a total tool.

Image result for meme you're a tool

Lee then walks over and stands two feet in front of them while Kenny tries to finish his thought.  Believe it or not, this bothers Kenny.

Lee sits down and proceeds to show Rachel hat he brought the knife his grandpa gave him.  No one is concerned that the crazy guy has a knife?  Oh hey, did I mention I brought my Grandpa’s machine gun to the mansion? Isn’t that sweet.  Anyways Lee apparently carved something into a random piece of 2×4 he found in the mansion.  Awww.

While this love fest is going on outside, the other guys are inside discussing Lee’s quirks… or corks… or is it quirks?  I believe Peter weighs in that corks go in wine bottles.  This segment brought to you by the open bar. 

Bryan (first kisser of the season) used his time to talk to Rachel NOT about all the He-Said-He-Said drama of the house.  He’s so smart.

Kenny now decides it’s time to talk to Lee.  His mistake is that he tries to talk to Lee man to man, when clearly Lee more resembles a fifth grader on his way to detention.  I wish he was in detention instead of in this mansion.

Finally Rachel is fed up enough with the drama that she hails Chris Harrison and tells him it is time to have the rose ceremony; she’s done with this drama.  Three cheers for Rachel.

Roses go to:

  • Will
  • Dean
  • Jonathan
  • Peter
  • Adam
  • Bryan
  • Matt (penguin)
  • Josiah
  • Jack Stone
  • Iggy
  • Kenny
  • Lee

This eliminates Bryce, Brady, and Diggy.  I will miss Diggy’s bow ties and facial expressions.

One-on-One Date Card: “Dean, our love is about to take off.”

They drive out into a field/swamp area and Rachel says they are going to have a picnic.  I grew up thinking a picnic included food; call me crazy.  Picnics usually included fried chicken or sandwiches or even just cheese and bread (if you’re in France).  Their picnic includes only champagne.  I seem to remember when Yogi was stealing picnic baskets it was for the food, but maybe I’m wrong.

Image result for cartoon drunk yogi bear

As they’re out on the hood of the Jeep drinking their lunch they see a blimp off in the distance.  Rachel tells an endearing story about her childhood and always being intrigued by blimps.  The scrolling sign on the side of the blimp tells Rachel and Dean that the blimp is their ride.  Dean mentions he has a massive fear of heights.  Well done, producers.

Dean tells the camera, “On a scale of 1 to 10 my level of freakout is 10.”  He is sweaty and legitimately looks freaked out.  Poor guy.  Once they are up in the air the pilot says Rachel can take a turn.  Dean tells her to be very careful.  After she encourages him he then takes a turn.

At dinner they have a pretty intense talk.  He opens up about his mom dying when he was fourteen.  It was awful.  Second only to when mother Russia talked about why she was cast out of the house and ended up in the orphanage.

He really does not seem anywhere near as immature as you would imagine.  I believe Rachel is impressed too.  She gives him the rose.

Group Date Card: “I want to see who’s ready for commitment.” 

Guys included on this date are: Alex (usually has a semi man bun and is wearing purple), Anthony (had the one on one with the horses on Rodeo Drive), Peter, Bryan (first kiss chiropractor), Johnathan (tickle monster), Adam (owner of terrifying Adam Jr.), Matt (penguin), Kenny (professional wrestler and daddy to little girl), Lee (mr. villain pot-stirrer), Eric (tired of his name being in everyone’s mouth), Iggy (Gossip girl), Josiah (still a front-runner in my mind, attorney), and Will.

They go on a fancy boat and have a dance contest and a pushup contest.  I see no life jackets aboard, but I do see MaiTais.  Well done ABC intern for packing the essentials.  During the dance party it is so painfully evident which guys are white boys.

Josiah tells the camera that he is the sexiest guy on the boat.  He is, however, not the most humble.

Don’t get me wrong, confidence is sexy.  Arrogance is a bit less sexy.

Next up on the boat is some freestyle rapping.  Kenny and Peter both take a turn.  That goes exactly how you would expect it would go.

They stumble off the boat to find a random crowd and a judge table of little girls for the Bachelorette Spelling Bee.  Color me excited.

Iggy tells the camera that he has to do fantastically, then he proceeds to spell it: F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C-A-L-Y.  WRONG.  You are off to a rough start Iggy.

I feel a bit like the words are maybe not quite equal.  Kenny’s first word is Champagne.  He mixes up the N and the G.  He says he feels sad that Sham- POG- Nee eliminated him.  I feel sad for you too, buddy.

Others get eliminated by other words along the way, including the word that Chris Harrison made the little girls put on earmuffs for: Coitus.  When I was in fifth grade I certainly didn’t know what coitus meant, but it’s a new world I guess.  When I was in fifth grade the bachelor/bachelorette didn’t even exist yet, but if it did I’m certain my mom would not have allowed me to watch it anyway.

Josiah ends up winning by spelling the word stunning.  I’m not sure what is supposed to be tricky about this word, maybe the double N.  Anyways, he wins a giant trophy cup which he proceeds to drink out of for the rest of the night and I do find this most amusing.

It’s the evening portion of the date and Iggy runs out to talk to Rachel about his feelings for her and what their life together might look like and oh, wait… none of that happens.  Instead, he rushes out to tell her all about how this week he has decided that Josiah is a different person around her.  He also says that he thinks Josiah covers up his insecurities around her by being over-confident.

Amy thinks that maybe Iggy is a wee bit intimidated by Josiah and feels a little be self-conscious.  To which my mom pointed out, “He should!”

If you remember last week he helped her out by telling her that Eric was questioning her genuine-ness in the show.  Now Iggy, Rachel is a grown up lady and I feel confident she can handle this magical journey without you helping her out along the way.

(Also, sidenote*  Do y’all remember Wells Adams?  He was on Jojo’s season and then also on Bachelor in Paradise where he had a mini relationship with Ashley I-lashes.  Anyways, he does a segment on his snapchat each week of drunk snapchatting his thoughts while watching the Bachelorette.  I appreciate everything about this.  I screenshotted one of the main reasons that I enjoy Wells’ humor.

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While Iggy is outside being a tattle tale to Rachel, the other guys are inside discussing the elegance and poise that Rachel brings to the table.  My friend Mev pointed out that this is surely the typical locker room conversation guys have.

“Did you see the pair of poise and elegance on that girl?”

Iggy enters the room and sits down right next to Josiah (because this show doesn’t believe in personal space) and tells him immediately that Rachel was asking about him and his genuine-ness (false) so he told her what he thinks about Josiah.  Josiah is less than impressed with Iggy.

In an in-the-moment with the cameraman Josiah says, “with all due respect, Iggy’s a bitch.”  I always get excited when sentences start with ‘with all due respect’.

Meanwhile Lee is being a tattle tale to Rachel about how Kenny yelled at him on rose ceremony night and was very aggressive.  Oh and he flipped him off- aggressively!

Image result for im telling mom meme

Now Rachel talks to Kenny to ask about his aggressive yelling at Lee.  Bla bla bla, Kenny regrets the way he handled it but does tell Rachel that possibly Lee is not being completely truthful.  WHAT?!

Lee describes Kenny (professional wrestler) to the camera crew as a 220 pound ballerina.  What we have here is a classic case of handcuff bravery.

You see, in the law enforcement world, sometimes people being arrested are very respectful and comply until they are in handcuffs then there is a whole lot of “take off these cuffs and fight me like a man” and other such threats about their toughness.

Image result for hold me back gif

I feel like maybe Lee feels pretty tough with all the no-violence contracts signed and all the camera crew and producers nearby.  Something tells me if he were to meet 220 pound ballerina Kenny in a dark alley, he might be singing a different tune.

We see Kenny come inside and ask Lee to come speak with him outside, you know so the blood doesn’t ruin the carpet in the mansion.  They go outside and the other guys say unless punches are thrown they are not interested in the drama.  They then go to watch.

Just then, the dreaded To Be Continued words flash up on the screen.  In the previews for next week, Kenny is bleeding from the eye.  I feel certain it is from some challenge on a date or other unrelated event, but I will in fact be tuning in to watch, so well done ABC editors.

What do you think? Does Lee throw his purse at Kenny? Does Lee punch Kenny?  If so, does Kenny break a folding chair over Lee in return?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Comment

  1. madrenellie says

    Hilarious! And darn tootin you wouldn’t be watching it I don’t even think I should be watching it. I feel very guilty. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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