Another recap for you friends. First off, last night during the show I was really far too sick to have friends up, but they came up anyway and while they were here they cleaned my kitchen too. THE BEST!
I did take notes during the episode though and don’t you worry; there was drama.
On to the recap!
Chris Harrison brings the first date card along with the news that there will be two group dates this week and one one-on-one. A rose will be available to be given out on each date.
First group date card reads: I’m looking for husband material.
Guys on the date: Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas. (Don’t remember a guy named Lucas? That’s because he mostly goes as WHAABOOOM. Ugh)
This is the best date in the history of Bachelor/Bachelorette dates because Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are there. They are hands down one of my favorite celebrity couples. They just seem so real every time I see an interview about their life. Sidenote: they are the only celebrity couple who refuses to use a nanny, as they wanted to actually be a part of the raising of their child. But enough about them.
This date includes a ‘husband’ obstacle course. The men will be eliminated as they fall behind while running through the course. It starts with baby dolls that apparently have ‘real-fake poop’ in a diaper that needs to be changed. Next the baby doll must be dressed and put in a baby Bjorn carrier on the front of each man. I think they got off easy. Have you seen those long pieces of fabric that can be wrapped a hundred different ways to carry a baby? Those moms are like ninjas when they somehow magically attach a baby to themselves with those things. Next they have to vacuum down a carpet and then dig though soapy dish water to find a large diamond ring. There are only two rings in the water. After finding the ring they place it in a big ring box then set a dinner table correctly and sprint to get flowers and back to the table to win. Sounds easy enough.
They start off fairly evenly matched. No one throws up at the fake baby poop. A few forget to plug in the vacuums which gets them eliminated. Kenny, who is a dad in real life, is doing fairly well and makes it to one of the positions in the final two. The other is Mr. Whaabooom, however I feel like he should be eliminated since he had his baby underwater while he was digging for the ring. As they go for the run to get flowers he stiff-arms Kenny (professional wrestler) to knock him down. Whaabooom wins and spikes his baby. Is this funny? Should we be impressed? We get it producers. Enough. Let her send him home. Anyways he wins a special 30 seconds with her or something. I feel like the prize for winning varies based on if someone she likes wins or not. If it had been Kenny I bet they would have got a special rooftop dinner together or something before the evening chat portion of the date with everyone.
Afterwards someone mentions Whaaboom and Ashton Kutcher is puzzled.
Mila: “That is the trademark noise he makes.”
Ashton (for the win): “For what?” Best quote of the night.
Mila: “Because he can.”
Ashton is not impressed. Neither is America.
Blake (the aspiring drummer and promoter of his supposedly magical genitalia) can’t stand Lucas and knows he’s not there for the right reasons. He’s been doing his whaabooom nonsense for three years now apparently. How does he not have a nonstop headache? We learn during this group date that Blake’s roommate dated Whaabooom so he has a prior knowledge of him. He takes it upon himself to tell Rachel that Lucas is here to promote himself and is so concerned about it that he even brought stage makeup to make sure he looks good on camera– because otherwise we wouldn’t be interested in his whaabooom-ness obviously.
Most of the conversations of the group date bore Rachel. Dean wins the night simply by being mildly interesting. He gets the rose.
One-on-One Date Card Reads: Peter, I’m Looking for My Best Friend.
Peter is the business owner from Wisconsin who brought her chocolate on night one because ‘everyone loves chocolate’. She confessed and he offered to immediately throw it in the fire. At least he has a sense of humor.
They approach a private plane and she tells Peter the news that they are flying to Palm Springs, but won’t be the only two on the date. She wants her really good friend to come who was recently in an accident. Peter agrees immediately.
They open the limo and out runs her dog with a cast on his front leg. Peter makes friends immediately and asks Rachel what happened. She says they have plenty of time on the plane to discuss it. Apparently she doesn’t want to explain herself to PETA and hear from all of America. See, smart woman.
They go to a dog pool party. There is a pool for dogs and one for the humans, as well as a photo booth and all kinds of other fun things. My dogs would love it. I later had to explain to them that mommy and daddy aren’t rich and we don’t have a private plane to fly them to California dog pool parties. However, I just took this picture while I’m blogging and I think it is clear that they don’t have the worst life.
Peter and Rachel have a good time together and then a fancy dinner where he continues to be charming and interesting so he clearly gets the rose. They walk outside to enjoy surprise fireworks.
My friend Mev watching with us points out that the dog is probably inside having a heart attack. Valid point. (She also kept a running tally of Whaaboooms this episode and it was 6 or 7 I think, so 6 or 7 too many.)
Group Date Card Reads: Swish.
Guys on the date: Will, Jaimi, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, and DeMario.
I guess there is a chance that the guys on this date might think it is even better than the Ashton Kutcher date because Rachel explains the guys get to meet Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
They shoot hoops, run drills, and break into two teams finally and play some basketball. It is not as impressive as you might hope and at one point Rachel tells her buddy Kareen that there are more airballs than actual shots.
DeMario explains just how ready he is. He is as calm as Michael Jordan in the finals, Tom Brady at the Superbowl, and Derek Jeter. I waited patiently for him to name a hockey player. Didn’t happen.
The game ends and Rachel talks to fans in the gym. In comes a girl in a sleeveless mini turtle neck of sorts with a legit Full House scrunchie. We are already a bit skeptical. Rachel sits down to chat with her and she explains that she had a boyfriend and then was watching TV and saw him introducing himself to Rachel on After the Final Rose from last season. Uh oh, it was DeMario. He seemed like a definite front runner up until this moment. She explains that he still has keys to her apartment even.
Rachel runs to fetch DeMario from the locker room (I didn’t see the orange smiles and the Capri Suns but I’m sure they were there somewhere). DeMario is happily chatting while walking with Rachel when he walks up to see ex-or maybe not- girlfriend. The first thing he says is “who is this?” As the conversation continues and Rachel starts asking him to actually answer questions with no vagueness things turn south for DeMario. Then he asks if they can talk without cameras. Dude, have you not seen this show? Demario admits he did have sexual intercourse with her and they were seeing each other on again off again, but that he went to her house to break it off. Girl says this is not true. Girl finally offers to show Rachel her cell phone to solidify her side of the story. Yikes. He was saying things about trying to be a better man and other bla bla bla lies. Then she says he has keys to her apartment. He says no, not true. Oh wait, he remembers that he put those in her mailbox. She adamantly claims she checks her mail every day and no, this is also not true.
Bottom line. First words were who is this? That then becomes we were seeing each other and we had sex and I did have the keys to her apartment, but I put them in her mailbox.
Nothing else matters. You started out by lying. FAIL.
She tells him to Get the F— Out! It was just about as epic as the time Emily sent Kalon home when he referred to her daughter as baggage.
Rachel is pretty mad and finally goes to the bathroom to get a tiny break from cameras following her around. She then goes to tell the guys and they are shocked. She meets them that night for conversation and drinks.
Josiah wins the rose and the date by telling her how protective of her he is and how upset he was.
They prepare for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony with 10 minutes left and we know this means we won’t get to end the episode with a rose ceremony, which is HOW THE SHOW IS SUPPOSED TO GO! We all hated it last year and we hate it again this year, ABC.
Drama unfolds as DeMario shows back up at the mansion (shocker) and Chris goes to ask Rachel if she wants to talk to him. Then Lee sees DeMario outside and runs inside to stir up the drama pot. They are donning their brass knuckles as we cut to a black TO BE CONTINUED screen.
More next week!
P.S. I blog these recaps for y’all, but truly Lincee is the queen of recapping the Bachelorette so if you enjoy reading funny commentary you must check out hers at Ihategreenbeans.com
My other favorite is Sharleen Joynt’s blog because she was on the show and always points out little secrets or things to look for. More importantly, she does a best dressed and worst dressed column. She also tracks down Rachel’s outfits and jewelry and then even finds affordable alternatives for those of us who can’t afford to fly our dogs on a private plane to a dog pool party. You can check hers out at Alltheprettypandas.com